Time for some thrilling heroics.
Jayne, Train Job
Zoe: Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.
Jayne: Can't be a statue of me. No reason for it. Flies in the face of every kind of sense.
Mal: Won't argue with that.
Simon: You know, I've saved lives. Dozens. Maybe hundreds. I reattached a girl's leg. Her whole leg. She named her hamster after me. I got a hamster. He drops a box of money, he gets a town.
Kaylee: Hamsters is nice.
Simon: To Jayne! The box-dropping, man-ape-gone-wrong-thing.
Mal: Ship like this, be with ya 'til the day you die.
Zoe: 'Cause it's a deathtrap.
Out of Gas
Zoe: Planet's coming up a mite fast.
Wash: That's just cause, I'm going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all.
Mal: Well, that happens, let me know.
"Dear Diary, Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy." "Today, we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever."
Jayne reading Simon's diary, Safe
Shepherd: Some orders allow Shepherds to marry, but I follow a narrower path.
Jayne: But I mean, you still got the urge. They don't cut it off or nothing.
Shepherd: No, I'm more or less intact. I just direct my energy elsewhere.
Jayne: You mean like masturbating?
Shepherd: I hope you're not thinking of taking Orders yourself.
Objects in Space
Jack: Is everyone clear on that, Daniel?
Rules of Engagement
I don't have a sister Jack, but if I did I wouldn't let you near her.
Maybourne, you are an idiot, every day of the week, why couldn't you have just taken one day off?!
Daniel: Are you you?
Jack: yeah, you?
Jack: Never mind.
Daniel: Didn't you think it was strange when you got through security with a loaded gun?
Jack: A little.
Daniel: You never were that bright.
Well then . . . to hell with us!
Jack, Jolinar's Memories
Hammond: It's not our world. Is it really any of our concern?
Teal'c: The destruction of the hammer device to save my life may have caused this. If so, I am responsible.
O'Neill: General, I gave the order.
Daniel: And i fired the staff at the machine.
Sam: And I... was there.
Sam: I can't think of an or at the moment, sir.
Daniel: no or?
Jack: There's an or.
Daniel: There's an or?
Sam: Sir, you can't just will something to happen because you want it to be a certain way.
Jack: Captain, where there's a will there's an or... way
Daniel: Well maybe you could try coming up with something better than inappropriate sarcasm.
Jack: You want sarcasm? Nice to meet you.
One Small Step
Jack: So what's your impression of Alar?
Teal'c: He is concealing something.
Jack: Like what?
Teal'c: I am unsure, he is concealing it.
Willow: Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me, or I can just get on with my life.
Buffy: Good for you.
Willow: Well, I didn't choose yet.
Inca Mummy Girl
Willow (on coffee): It's the non-relationship drink of choice. It's not a date, it's a caffeinated beverage. Okay, sure, it's hot and bitter like a relationship that way, but...
Willow: Okay, your name is Cordelia, you're not a cat, you're in high school, and we're your friends. Well, sort of.
Cordelia: That's nice, Willow. And you went mental when?
Xander: Aren't you supposed to be drinking tea, anyway?
Giles: Tea is soothing, I wish to be tense.
Xander: Okay, but you're destroying a perfectly good cultural stereotype here.
Willow: He's delirious. He thought I was Buffy.
Oz: You too, huh?
Giles: There is a certain dramatic irony attached to all this. A synchronicity that borders on predestination, one might say.
Buffy: Fire bad. Tree pretty.
Oz: Guys. Take a moment to deal with all this. We survived.
Buffy: It was a hell of a battle.
Oz: Not the battle. High school.
Giles: Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still-beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore.
Jack: What are you, retarded?
Xander: No. No, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything.
Forrest: How are you going to learn anything if you keep doing schoolwork?
Buffy: There's no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate.
Willow: I think I'm gonna barf.
Buffy: Except that.
Willow: Goody! Research party!
Xander: Will, you need a life in the worst way.
What's My Line
Giles: Why would someone want to hurt Cordelia?
Willow: Maybe because they met her? Did I say that?
The West Wing
Sam: I really gotta go.
Laurie: 'Cause POTUS was in a bicycle accident?
Laurie: Tell your friend, POTUS, he's got a
funny name. And he should learn how to ride a bicycle.
Sam: I would, but he's not my friend, he's my boss; and it's not his name, it's his title.
Sam: President of the United States.
Secret Service Agent: It's a nice morning, Mr. McGarry.
Leo: We'll take care of that in a hurry. Won't we, Mike?
SSA: Yes, sir.
Sam: About a week ago, I accidentally slept with a
Toby: You accidentally slept with a prostitute?
Sam: Call girl.
Toby: I don't understand. Did you trip over something?
Sam: I did not know she was a call girl.
Toby: There wasn't a red flag when she charged you money in exchange for sex?
Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc
Bartlet: Why are you smiling?
Toby: Happiness is my default position.
Dead Irish Writers
Toby: You think the United States is under attack from 1200 Cubans in rowboats?
Sam: I'm not saying I don't like our chances.
Toby: It's mind-boggling to me we ever won an election.
Leo: With everything that's going on, I don't think we need to be marriage counsellors too.
Toby: Well, yeah, because you and I would be so good at it.
Doug: It's a simple equation. Bartlet rules America; America rocks; therefore Bartlet rocks.
Sam: 'America rocks'?
Toby: 'Bartlet rocks'?
Josh: He really... doesn't... that much.
Josh: Yes sir.
Bartlet: A ballerina?
Josh: Yeah, I... I didn't know... what it was at the time... I... I liked the word.
Bartlet: We'll go with that for now.
Ways and Means
Will: We're having trouble with the Democrats.
CJ: Wow, along with the Republicans. That's kind of everyone.
Toby: In a triumph of the middling, a nod to mediocrity, and with gorge rising, it gives me great nausea to announce Robert Russell - Bingo Bob, himself - as your new Vice President.
Will: This lapdog of the mining interests is as dull as he is unremarkable...
Toby: ...as lackluster as he is soporific. This reversion to the mean...
Will: ...this rebuke to the exemplary...
Toby: ...gives hope to the millions unfavored by the exceptional... Bob Russell: not the worst, not the best, just what we're stuck with.
Reporter: Mr. Bailey, we're all sitting here pretending this is a regular press conference and you're very engaging up there, but your candidate died, so why isn't this all a little preposterous?
Will: Chuck Webb is a seven-term Congressman who, as chairman of not one but two Commerce subcommittees, has taken money from companies he regulates. He's on the board of the NRA and once challenged another Congressman to a fist fight on the floor, over an amendment to make stalkers submit to background checks before buying AR-15s, AK-57s, Street Sweepers, Mac-10s, Mac-11s. He's joined protests designed to frighten pregnant women.
Reporter: What's your point?
Will: There are worse things in the world than no longer being alive.